2014 (And beyond & between)

The Holidays went fairly well. Rather great, actually. Brian and I have worked through which I hope to be the worse of our relationship and are happily living together again, as well. if it isn’t, it is said that a perfect marriage   (We are planning on getting our marriage license next month for both personal and financial reasons)is two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other. Truer words never spoken.

I actually am surprised at how many of my goals I am meeting right now, now that I think about it I am currently renting an entire basement of a Pennsport rowhome for $300/month including utilities. Me and Brian got matching tattoos as well on December 13th (19 months). They aren’t our anniversary yet, but, do signify our relationship in terms of luck, fate, chance, and of course “13″(1+3).

Image

I love it so much! A local tattoo parlor in our area Eddie’s Chinatown has $13 tats every Friday the 13th and it being our day & everything prior…it just felt perfect.  Moving along I haven’t gone back to school yet or am pregnant yet (That I know of, anyway. Before we moved back in together last month, we only had sex about 12 times since October 1st. Fingers crossed and hoping for babydust! <3), but, do have a plan in mind of the first. Harvard offers professional certificates that can be completed in 3 years or less, cost on average $2k overall, and require no formal application process. Once I am financially stable again having been laid off from Macy’s on January 4th, a failed position at a pizza shop up the Gayborhood, numerous interviews & resumes that went nowhere, and now a new position that hasn’t really taken off yet that I am actually happy about, I am definitely signing up!

I still plan to study English (43 credits!) and ECE. Just when I don’t owe the Department of Education (and some random collection agency) $13k. Wish I could of enrolled in community college sooner and I wouldn’t have this problem (I had to pay back tuition to release my transcripts to restart school & not owe my loans and that wasn’t possible without help ,basically living off every dime I have. Still kinda am. And so is my help.) Hopefully, I will settle the score with them soon enough. C’est la vie. That just reminded me I need to research photography and yoga classes. Maybe even burlesque/pole dancing….I have passion for so much and very little resources to do it. Atleast creativity is free, talent is innate,  and my internet is paid for. Otherwise, writing would be kind of difficult right now.

Now, about my new job! Well, I kinda had two new jobs, but, let me tell you about the one that failed first. I worked for two days at takeout/delivery pizza shop, dubbed “Gay Pizza” because of our location and cult status in the neighborhood for having good food. There is also this sign in our lobby.

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I liked it there and was even getting used to the food service schtick. Then there came that time when I got $25 for working about 3:40-8:15 when minimum wage is $7.25 in Pennsylvania and I didn’t get tips until after my 60-day probationary period. I also was expected to buy my own bike for deliveries. Whatever silly shit I did or whatever peeve they had for me not to call me back in, I’m almost glad. I now am a personal assistant to an educator and fitness instructor in Bryn Mawr making $12/hour plus travel and bonuses. I also get to work virtually at times (Definitely glad for that having the beginnings of a bad cold as of 4 AM). My boss Jon is pretty cool so far. Brian’s a little weary because it’s in Jon’s home, but, I get no bad vibes and can handle myself. If things were to go sour, I got mace and I got an address. I sincerely doubt they will.

What have I been doing in general? Reading, music-induldgence, partying, and going out a bit. Doing shopping for our house and new car. It sucks being broke aside for necessities and random extra money from-time-to-time. I’ve been pawning jewelry, for Gods’ sake! Thank God for friends and family, too. Without them I’d be hungry and sober. Bahahaha. Brian didn’t start his apprenticeship until January 20th and doesn’t get paid until February 5th since training apparently wasn’t paid. It’s kinda bullshit, but, I gotta take the bitter with the sweet and maintain when he’s making about $18/hour. Everything will be a bit easier when our stamps come back on next month and our first pays start coming in. Until then, I am just rich enough (hopefully) with everything I am currently blessed with.

Later, WordPressers. Much love and peace.

P.S. Those living in the Northeastern part of the US, loving this snow yet? I honestly fucking love snow! It’s beautiful and just leaves me in awe year after year

 

 

 

 

So…I’m back. I realized Xanga is now kinda weird. My site still exists, but, I can’t even pay to see it…um, what? I thought they kept the site because I was still on there in August, but, it’s whatever. I have my archives, but, don’t think I’ll be posting them. I really did like the concept of starting over.

Where is my life going?

It was kind of a shit-show, but, my Brianz has been home over a month. I kind of almost destroyed our relationship through my actions and not dealing with demons when all I wanted to do is have us work out & me be strong. This road even involved me possibly going to AA. I suppose I’m only human, though, and we are working through it. We’ll be together a year and a half on November 13th.

I’ve just been surrounding myself with positivity and progress since August with some snags, but, that’s to be expected, I am most proud of myself for finally finding stable employment. I have been employed by Macy’s in Plymouth Meeting for about 2 1/2 months now. It is seasonal, but, I have a very strong feeling I will permanent  come February. I absolutely love it there, though! Though I wake up before sunrise and commute over an hour by bus, it’s just such a great place to work. I really just look forward to coming in every shift. Plus, I feel fancy as fuck with a keycard to the front door. Never had that privilege before anywhere. Now what has my freetime consisted of…

I’ve just been going out here & there. Mostly with Brian & Shannon.  New people I’ve met through her, as well. Bars. Festivals. Museums. Parks. I couldn’t be happier about it, especially after cutting out somebody I knew for a few years that was supposed to be my friend. She was just a thirsty bitch who got me into trouble and hits on my man. Has since they met and I never realized the extent until recently. I’ve also just been writing, gaming, and watching TV. I re-discovered TCM during Halloween when a bunch of me & Brian’s favorite B-movies showed. I recommend everybody watch Roger Corman’s A Bucket of Blood. You won’t regret it.  Actually….do It nao!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAgZvV0Yi9A

One last thing I want to establish in this post is goals for myself. They’re short & long-term, but, going to accomplished (hopefully), nonetheless. I do want to start a family, but, these are most realistic for now. Especially since I suspect I may have fertility issues. My cycle is anywhere from 32-45 days & I’m not even sure if I ovulate.

  1. Renting a room when Brian starts working again on the 11th. He is starting an apprenticeship with Local 19.
  2. Getting married when we have our own place without roommates.
  3. Starting school again.
  4. Moving to East Oak Lane, eventually.
  5. Getting my first tattoos.

anniversary date

claddagh

That is really all to be said for now. I am currently just relaxing and checking out the new “Dracula” series OnDemand. Got work 6:30-10:30 tomorrow-Wednesday with my days off being Thursday & Saturday. Later, WordPress.

“When I was 23 years old, my husband died.”

Thankfully not. But, I am two years away from that age, getting married in December, and the fact that I was narrating the start of my own dream last night/this morning was enough to frighten me a little. Especially, because I’ve only dreamt of the dead/dying when the person already was gone. 

If you remember me from Xanga or even if you don’t search for the tags involving “dreams”. They are almost always strange and complicated. I’ve also always have been a natural lucid dreamer. All of my senses are active. I feel pain when it occurs. I also sometimes break the 4th wall because of the constant awareness that I’m asleep. I can control situations, but, sometimes relinquish that to see what plays out. What conspires is almost always quite odd and often violent. It can also be very otherworldly and has inspired my writing because the dialogue and plot line are always very rich and interesting.

Now begins last night’s episode. Seriously, this shit could be a show called “Tales from the REM Side”. At the start, those was my very first words. I am having a flashback and talking to a new female friend. I believe her name was Sioban.The flashback was a mall surveillance video of Brian getting shot to death by a robber in a music store he owned. (My fiance is actually a professional musician and has drum-teched for Kevin Miller of Fuel.) I am obviously very shaken by this even, though, it is a few months later and my new female friend sees I am a grieving widow. We leave the mall (in a suburban-like setting, but, it could of been in the city). We’re just bull-shitting and decide to go out in South Philly. I don’t recall ever being there at this particular estaplishment, but, that is where it’s supposed to be located. As we are leaving the bar, we pass a girl I get a vibe from. Like holy. It freaks me out and express it to Sioban, but, she writes it off. I do have a lot on my mind. 

The next day, I am walking near an empty,weedy lot on South 7th Street (It’s a little sketchy in my neighborhood from 5th to 7th, Ritner to Morris; They’re a product of late-1980′s/early-90′s white flight.) and see the woman again. She is my around age…maybe 25, but, I’ve never seen her this much before in my life. Never even in my neighborhood. As I cross at the corner and she is still close walking towards the end of the lot. There was a dead cat in the lot which I felt bad for when I walked by. A Tabby. The cat had just crossed my path. Had I been mistaken? While I was going to cross, I turned to her as she was heading West towards 8th Street. “Who are you?” ” My name’s Kaitlyn.” “No…who are you? You just brought that alley cat back to life.” “I work for God.” And that sparked a friendship which soon led into the truth of the real battle between Heaven and Hell. 

Though, I wasn’t sure if Kaitlyn was an angel or just a very special woman on a mission from Jesus Christ, she indeed had a gift. She held the power of necromancy. She also can do many things that mortals can’t in terms of physics and reality, but, her ability to revive the deceased is what I am interested in. I want my husband back. We decided to have a drink at the same bar with Sioban the skeptic.Only the divine is all-knowing, but, she was aware of my pain without Brian. She didn’t bring up the subject, though, almost as she didn’t want to violate my free-will. I ask her if she will bring Brian back. She gives me a look and we head to a booth. They are green in color. She can, but, he cannot stay for more than a few days at a time, but, she can negotiate with God as needed. I also have to keep things quite as if she was bringing back everybody, it would disrupt the natural world and the order of life. There was also the issue of the demonic.Satan cannot escape from Hell, but, he can still cause chaos with associates. They are watching her and we need to be careful. I meet a male “angel” named Shawn. He along with Kaitlyn are here to protect us along with my IRL friends who interact with me normally throughout my dream. Having Brian back in this subconscious scenario is complete bliss. I feel complete again as I would if this was really all happening. My house with him. With our daughter (thought of but not concieved yet in actuality), feels like a home again. 

Then, something seems terribly wrong. Kaitlyn is busy with God, but, figures we are safe home alone. She leaves us. My dog suddenly comes up from the basement, afraid. There is a zombie. I take my dog while Brian takes our daughter and we lock the backdoor, staying in the yard. “What was that?” Brian looks up from our toddler. Young Chevelle, I presume. That is what I want to name our first daughter when we finally do get a BFP and it’s a she. We love the band, plus, it is Hebrew for “my God is a vow”. She hadn’t been quite walking yet, but, was getting there. I’m getting off track. He answers me, though. “When one dies in mortal sin, the soul is destroyed. That’s where zombies come from. A shell of meat and organs. A beast.” “You’re fucking kidding me…” “No. But the good thing is they can’t escape from Hell. Unless one of Satan’s demons, half human-half zombie, passes the virus on here on Earth. The DNA is still contaminated.” “Where did that thing come from then?” “That’s what scares the shit out of me.” “I thought you said nothing could escape.” ” Technically, unless they were to defeat God in which it would end in a draw, no. Lucifer was once the most powerful angel. What do you think happens when people sell their soul, Marissa?” I nod. The zombie is still trying to break through the door. Our windows have bars. Thankfully Kaitlyn comes to the rescue. She slices through his skull with a sword. While she says the key is merely destroying the brain, a weapon that is blessed will weaken them faster if the first attempt fails. There are still many questions to be answered, but, Kaitlyn decides it will happen in due time. Even Brian isn’t even sure what to make of it. The only thing is to keep our eyes peeled.

Another night out and we run into our old roommate Mike. He was always an asshole to Brian, but, seems to have a sudden fondness of us. I leave Brian to go to the other bar in the place and something is wrong. He’s bleeding and beginning to rot. Was this part of God’s conditions if he over-stayed? I immediately get Kaitlyn and ask her to talk to God. She panics. While Brian was given a new body, this is the zombie virus. His soul is at stake. How did it happen? She realizes teeth marks in his neck. “Somebody here isn’t who they say they are.” “Can you do anything?” “I’m technically not allowed to intervene…but fuck it, I’m sure the Big Guy can understand. We’ll have to baptize him.”  We got outside and she does the ritual. Brian seems fine and she cleans him up. Since it was caught early, it was still possible. Kaitlyn begins to tell a story. She’s had a suspicion for a while that a demon or a group of such creatures is going to try to start the zombie apocalypse, potentially causing enough chaos to break the gates of Hell once and for all. The main goal being is to destroy the Earth, God’s most precious creation. The only true barrier between the two worlds which could potentially lead to the fall of the Kingdom of Heaven if tampered with.

Mike suddenly reappears all concerned because Brian still has dry blood. Kaitlyn and Shawn go back into the bar. We want to go home. Though he appears under the influence of opiates and drunk off of Jack, Brian realizes otherwise since their encounter. Mike is the demon. Unarmed, Brian improvises. He still is half-divine. He tells me to grab on and that these creatures hate love just as much as they hate God. We’ll be okay. We scale up a light pole, but, Mike can follow. He bites into my right achilles tendon.

Then I woke up.

Am I crazy or am I crazy?

Well, after being busy and not getting a chance to go online in peace (I hate blogging with an audience), I have returned. I see Xanga is still around, but, have decided to make this a second home.I have yet to find a regular job and the babysitting thing kind of fell through. Blah…I did get work 6 days about 3 weeks ago. Got $300, but, spent $110 on Brian among other things. Down to about $35 counting money that is still owed to me. Working atleast a day or 2 this week Hoping something will come my way soon. How have I been? Chillen, going out here there, Shore time, and of course missing my fiance. Really starting to have a peeve with way his family treats him, especially his mother. Uninvited from my wedding, fer sure. Don’t need negative vibes. Especially when you spend money on your unemployed, bitchy 24-year-old daugther and not spare .50 cents for a birthday card. Nor can she even put money on her brother’s books, but, always goes out. I don’t even work consistently just spent $110 on him for phone minutes and the June 2013 issue of Modern Drummer.

Now for some things going in the media that may be old news, but, I want to discuss anyway. The first two involve the LGBT community.I cannot express how glad I am for much of the success that has come in taking down DOMA. This is a big thing in both civil liberties and marriage equality for same-sex couples. It would be nice if we could get the entire country on board now, but, atleast in states where there are such marriages and civil unions they are now treated the same as Mr & Mrs. Down the Street. As a former employee of HRC under the Fund For the Public Interest, this is the shit I’ve fought for.Now it is time to discuss the case of Coy Mathis. For those not familiar, she is a transgendered first-grader from Colorado. Her school lost a battle in keeping her out of the girls’ bathroom. I honestly think this was such a great teaching moment in diversity and acceptance, though, I also feel it also let out hatred and ignorance. It surprises me still that people still know very little about the transgender community. These people are men and women just like all of us; gender dysphoria is very real and they deserve to live as freely and happily as possible. They don’t think they’re anything. The physical merely doesn’t match what’s upstairs. Psychological and physical gender are definitely different realms altogether. To me, the human race was created in all varieties as a means from the divine to challenge us to love and think outside of the box. It is evident many of us don’t quite get it yet. Maybe one day.

Stepping away from that…the George Zimmerman verdict. Call me a racist or whatever you want, but, I 100% agree. Did Trayvon Martin deserve to die? Nobody necessarily does, but, a man stood his ground and it turned fatal. It happens. Martin, at his death, was not the smiling, innocent snapshot we saw on television. He was a thug or atleast portrayed himself as one on Facebook that was against the police & authority in general. Keep that in mind before you jump on me for my opinion. The fact that blacks are rioting is just crazy. It goes to show in this country some of us need to prioritize. To those who feel he should of gotten convicted of murder in the 2nd degree, take this as the opportunity to create peace in your communities. To set a better example for your peers. Violence isn’t going to solve violence, even in the case of self-defense. Nor is more prejudice than what is or is not perpetuated in the first place. And that is all I have to say for now.

Peace and love, fellow WordPressers.

Good,bye Xanga….hello, this?

So allow to me introduce myself, you may call me Marissa or Riss/Rissa for short. Though I am familiar with this blogging format, it is quite foreign to me in the same retrospect. You see, I’ve been blogging on our beloved “X” since 2005 and the wake of finding the shitty news, realized I wasn’t about to be about that life and stop blogging for good. Maybe I’ll stick around, maybe I won’t when July 15th comes, but, we’ll see. I heard some of my fellow Xanga whores migrated here so I figured,”Why not?”.  Like, I could have a Holga/Diana as my theme and that was pretty darn fucking stellar. :)

This is my current site by the way:

TheTrueDarkness

I’ve had it since I was 13 years old and am now 21. It’s followed me from 7th grade to looking forward to getting married this coming Fall/Winter. Every heartache, transition,  still kinda fucked-up situation, happy ending. I even used to write real fiction on there, update on local events on Philly, give random facts, and even merely just make friends. It was still a home to me even when it began to decline in the wake of MySpace and Facebook. There are times where I’ve gone a year without updating, but, I was right back and ready to tell the world what had transpired in my existence.

Now who am I?

Aspiring-preschool/childcare teacher, amateur photographer, and freelance writer (pretty awesome at it and have done it for fun for over a decade) living in Philadelphia. Currently looking for a regular job. I was going to college until Spring 2012, but, have dropped out for the time being due to a variety of reasons. I got waaaay deeper into the rave scene than I should have since my life wasn’t going so great at the time in addition to having doubts about myself and my future to begin with from both internal & external factors (pretty sure I’ve had self-esteem instability and a form of depression/anxiety since gradeschool), so I stopped. Getting sick like every week until March didn’t help either. I do plan to go back online to earn an associate’s in English once my finances are in order. My other hobbies & interests? Gaming, thrifting, alternative subcultures, yoga, activism, drinking (among other stuff), psychedelia, cooking, and urban exploration; just to name a few. I also used to model a little, but, my mental health issues threw that off track. I also have a huge keloid on my arm now from somebody accidentally backing into me forcefully with a broke mop handle that I’m kinda embarrassed about.

Anywho, I’ve had kinda a crazy path to here. Between being bullied for 12 years in school, my father being an alcoholic since I was about 9, and just a bunch of other bullshit which I’ll probably get to sometime or another, I’m surprised I’m still here. Anywho…after a bunch of relationships that failed (22 to be exact) I met this really awesome guy and my future-husband, Brian. Brian is a day away from being exactly 9 years older than me and we actually met on my birthday through friends; celebrated his together with 2nd base, long talks, and cuddling all night. <3 Through our many crazy-ups and downs (Brian is bipolar and has anger issues, but, is seriously a teddy bear when you give him a chance.), we got engaged on August 28th. Prior to that, we had already been living together since Memorial Day Weekend. And even before we got engaged…embarked on a journey to start a family. Crazy, right? Though I’ve always wanted to be a mother, this has even sparked a desire in me to give up going to mortuary school for those aforementioned, more family-friendly goals. They were interests before, but, the funeral service had always called my name. Back to my relationship with me and Brian, though, things are actually great for us except for a minor snag…

I won’t tell the whole story, but, he has been incarcerated since December 22nd. After going back and forth between county jails, he is getting out in October most likely. I do worry how we’ll make it with our financial situation, but, I’m sure we’ll make do. Shit, I’d move in a camper van with that motherfucker. That’s how much he’s stolen my heart. He’s seriously been my husband since our meeting and I can’t wait for it to be legally known.

That is me, but, who are you?